Originally published in The Old Town Gazette, October, 2008

I knew there was a financial crisis coming down when my financial advisor called me to his office the day after the crash; explained everything, and then asked me if he could borrow 50 bucks.  I said, “But you haven’t paid me back for the money I loaned you after the last 2 recessions.  He said, “Did to.”  I said, ”No you didn’t.”  He said, “Did to, did to, did to.”  I just looked at him. After about 10 seconds, he said, “Look, it’s all cyclical.  Ok,  I borrowed money from you, but each time, over a period of time, the value of your portfolio  went up way more than the amount of money I borrowed from you.”  We just looked at each other. Then he said, “Look, you have to see the big picture.  Because of the plan I set up for you, you’ve put 2 children through college.”

I said, “yes, but those were your children.  I don’t have any kids.”

Originally printed in Old Town Gazette, September 9, 2008

So now the Green crowd wants us to fear coal plants because they emit mercury into the air.  They claim high doses of mercury can cause serious damage to the central nervous system, brain, and  kidneys.  They expect you not to notice the 2 key words in that scare statement.  High doses.  Why don’t they tell you about all the studies of “low doses” of mercury?  Why?  Because low dose studies are all done on fish.  Health concerns focus mainly on those who eat fish frequently, especially pregnant women.  So what does that have to do with mercury from coal plants?  In an independent study by Citizens to Reform Anal Politics, it was found that mercury from coal plants only causes damage to pregnant fish.

Greenspan claims things are the worst they’ve ever been in his lifetime.  That’s a long-  long time.  Didn’t he have something to do with these being the worst times?  We’re bailing out everybody but that one bank, Lehman Bros.  Think what kind of complex they must have.  Now let me get this straight.  If we, the tax payers, own all these entities, do we get royalties?

Originally published in The Old Town Gazette, August, 2008

As a member of Seniors Against Totally Ignorant Rhetoric in Elections, I say let em’ drill wherever they want!  Until all the oil in and around this country is gone, congress will never take alternate fuels seriously.  The problem is, they don’t really want to drill, they just want to tie up the taboo areas.  If they do drill in 10 years or so, they’ll sell a big percentage over seas.

Published in Old Town Gazette, June, 2008

Recently, the Wichita Eagle had a column explaining to 30 year olds, 30 things they should know by the time they were 30.  Such things as take your hat off while eating.  How to drive a stick shift.  How to wrap a gift.  Own a pair of jeans you can wear out to dinner.  How to play a sport (excelling not required).

I made up a list of 60 things people should know by the time they were 60.  However, I forgot most of them and I can’t find the list.  Here are a few.

• Don’t wear speedo’s to the beach.
• Don’t wear tank tops anywhere.
• How to wrap a gift (applies to all ages).
• Don’t say, “I’m old, but—,” and then explain why you did something that was old.
• How to play a computer game besides solitaire.

Published in Old Town Gazette, May, 2008 

The city council finally passed a smoking ban.  It’s not a total ban though.  If it’s a restaurant or club, smoking will be allowed if everyone in the place is 18.  Does this mean the bartenders and servers will now have to check 2 ID’s?  It sure sounds like it.  “I need to check your ID sir, to see if you’re old enough to drink, and I need to check your friend’s ID to see if she’s old enough to be in a place that allows smoking.